On June 2, Larry King put Bill Gates irresistibly off agenda at the end of the show with, “Whaddaya make of the newest thing, the iPad?”  The richest man in the world—depending on what year it is—said, with his jacket riding up his back:  ”Well, ah,… Microsoft and a bunch of other companies are working on finally getting to that ‘ultimate’ product… It still isn’t the device that I would take to a meeting.”

Oh please.  Like it would kill him to play nice with 6.4% market share Apple.  Like it would cost him.

What this guy needs—BAD—is a 69 cent, 9-by-12 inch coloring book and a box of 64 Crayolas® (With Built-In Sharpener).  As in, print (the original user interface).  As in, crayons (the original handheld).   As in, aroma.  The only flummoxing question, whether to use Yellow Orange or Orange Yellow.

Ahhhh, the aroma!

In 2001, my sister Janet was inspired to surprise me with, of all things, a Walt Disney coloring book—the identical Cinderella coloring book that was a ritual of our grade-school summers.  Barefooted, summershorted, we’d set up two TV trays side by side, with our box of 64 Crayola® Crayons (With Built-In Sharpener) placed precisely in the middle To Share.  Then, NO PEEKING, we colored our agreed-upon page of our identical coloring books, critiquing when finished.

Cinderella.  Just in time for an intimidating business trip to Washington, D.C.

I packed it on a sentimental whim: first as a talisman, to never stop believing in glass slippers (however we get ‘em) and, second, as a reminder to keep it real—given that Cinderella has undermined more happily-ever-afters than the Super Bowl, Angelina Jolie and the Easy-Bake Oven, put together.

Capitol protocol is to set meetings months in advance and reconfirm incessantly, right into that sacred moment where you’re finally standing before the matched set of DNA-blessed interns gatekeeping every Congressional office.  Until you’re escorted back to the Holy of Holies, however, you never know if you’ve actually made it to the ball.  And so, of course, all four of my meetings, with Senators Biden, Hatch, Cleland and Smith—meticulously engineered by me for an emotionally manageable one meeting, per senator, per day—all wound up on Wednesday.  With fifteen minutes between.

Why, Your Royal Senateness!

My coloring book turned out to be the single most important thing I packed.  It kept me from vomiting up anxiety, and my lipstick inside the lines.  Most of all, I had a Mona Lisa smile when all four princes showed up—fifteen minutes apart.  I couldn’t help feeling that karma had finally evened things up (poooor Cinderelly!) with the prom queen who borrowed my new shoes and asked me to help with her history homework, even as I was never once asked to a dance.

Believe.  Forget Kindle.  Pack pink (not magenta) and dance, dance, dance.

Note to Bill Gates:  Yes, you can download my coloring book but, sorry—no aroma.